anger

you know i would like to think that i have a anger problem but i think that i do. for the sole purpose that i seem to get mad at people for no reason and when i do this i end up saying something to hurt there feelings. they get mad at me and never want to speak to me again and i understand y they do. this problem has been apparent for awhile for me no and i don't know what to do. i said some hurtful things to a person that i care about a lot recently. the think that i said to her was that she didn't care about me. now i know what people are going to say to me, there going to call me all types of names and stuff. there right i am all of those names i am the one thing that i tried not to be, an asshole of a guy who only cares about himself. i wanted to show people that nice guys exist in the world and now because of my actions i have soiled my good name or what name i had left. you know this world had given me lots of lemons and because of these lemons i give them back at people not because im an ass to people its because i cant feel good about myself. i just want to have more in life right now, for example i want a car, a good job with lots of money, a girlfriend u know things like that. but as i stand right here before everyone i wallow in my on self destruction, y because i cant help it. i cant help the fact that i put myself down all the time because i cant seem to get anything started. im sitting in a pool of constant set backs its like i move forward and then 5 steps back. i just wish for once that someone could give me a little sign that would point me in the right direction. as it stands now my mind is lost to the either cant get started if im not in the race. im a destroyer not a lover like i once thought i was. its like people see me as a beacon of hope of some light that can shine through the darkness but im not that beacon my heart is as dark as the next person but im not going to let the darkness erode or destroy the fabric of my being i'll use it for goodness. light and dark are just colors in the wheel of life it wont rule me. my anger will not encroach on my feelings toward the life's that i have met and or will meet. i will not be a rageaholic like some of my family members are, it will not control me. before i go it feels good to let some of this go in writing that is, maybe i'll find an outlet to let more of it go on a consistent bases